“Disappointment is the gap that exists between expectation and reality.”
-John C. Maxwell
Have you ever found yourself waiting for someone to say the right words, appreciate your efforts, or respond in the way you hoped?
When we look to others to fulfill our emotional needs, disappointment often follows… not because they intended to hurt us, but because our expectations quietly shape our experiences.
While visiting family and friends, we shared stories of times we expected our spouse, children, friends, or coworkers to say or do things we “think they should” say or do and still carry those stories we created about those situations. Sometimes, we have expectations and hold onto the responses from another person and can’t let them go. Often, there is fear of wanting to respond truthfully and not knowing how. It’s not about the other person; it’s for you to choose how to respond from your heart with love, even if it’s not comfortable.
A husband shared that his wife had been complaining that he never prepares dinner. As a surprise, he bought some special foods and had dinner ready for when she came home from work. Although she was grateful, she indicated that she had eaten a late lunch and wasn’t hungry. One can see that expectations were set and disappointment followed. There are many ways communication may have gone in that scenario. Hopefully, they used this situation as an opening for deeper conversations, honesty, and sharing of feelings.
There is a difference between having an expectation and having a need. We all have needs for respect, kindness, honesty, consideration, and connection. The challenge comes when we expect another person to know exactly what we need without communicating it. When an unspoken expectation replaces honest communication, we may unknowingly create disappointment before the other person even has a chance to respond.
What would change in your relationships if you released silent expectations and chose honest, loving communication instead?
Have you ever stopped to think about where these patterns of expectations came from?
As children, we learned from what was modeled for us by our parents, siblings, and other adults. At times, it was manipulative, making us feel a certain way. For instance: “If you loved me… you would…,” “Your father needs rest, so be quiet,” “Why can’t you be like your sister or brother?” “Boys don’t cry,” and many more could be added to the list. A few might come to mind as you think about how you were expected to behave or what expectations you remember being ingrained in you as a child. Sharing our feelings wasn’t welcomed for many of us.
Early messages don’t simply disappear. These messages can stay with us and influence how we relate to ourselves and others. As adults, without realizing it, we begin expecting our loved ones and others to respond in ways that will help us feel loved, appreciated, valued, or safe.
Why are we still looking outside ourselves for someone to validate us?
As I reflect on times in my life, I see my patterns of wanting to accommodate, please, and be nice and how these responses led me to feel hurt or disappointed. I could not understand why someone could not be thoughtful and respond the way I might. Instead of allowing myself to choose to be more joyful or grateful in the situation, I created a story of how “things should have been.”
Maybe you can recall situations in your life when you may have felt the same?
Over the years, I have learned that we cannot control or change anyone. This highlights and dismantles our conversations about “they should.” More importantly, I am responsible for how I respond, noticing that sometimes I still return to my old patterns of behavior. I may get quiet, shut down, minimize the effort, feel angry and disappointed, and try to hide the truth with an “Oh, that’s OK.”
Sometimes, “Oh, that’s OK” isn’t really okay at all. It can be a way of protecting ourselves from vulnerability, conflict, or rejection. We may believe we are keeping the peace when, underneath, we are storing disappointment and resentment. What if, instead, we could lovingly tell the truth about what we are feeling without making the other person wrong?
This is a great example for us to breathe into our heart and core, connecting with our own essence of truth and worthiness. The outside validation that we so often seek is misdirected and needs to come from within ourselves.
One of the most profound practices I’ve learned comes from my mentor, Dr. Sue Morter, in her new book Anatomy of Awakening. (“Subject-Object-Subject with Love,” p. 75.) This simple exercise helps us notice when we’ve given our attention and energy to someone or something outside of us. If we focus on their behavior rather than listening to our own inner truth, we come off of ourselves. Gently returning our energy back onto ourselves, the subject, allows us to feel more anchored in our own essence with love. This doesn’t mean ignoring the other person; it means remembering that our center, our worth, and our ability to choose our response have never left us.
Perhaps the real freedom isn’t getting other people to meet our expectations. Perhaps it is releasing the need for them to do so for us to feel worthy, loved, or enough. We can communicate our needs, honor our feelings, and still release our attachment to how someone else responds.
Curious and interested in more information? Contact me at diane@aleaderinyou.com to learn more about opportunities for workshops and/or book study groups.
